A writer to the Movies – Kingsman (Or, the turd among chocolates)

KingsmanLet me tell you a story about a movie that I greatly enjoyed watching. It was Roman Polanski’s -who, as questionable a person he may be is a good director- Ghost Writer. It was a very well written thriller, a great movie to this day that nonetheless left me infuriated, for the simple fact that the ending made no sense whatsoever compared to the rest of the movie. It made no sense for that scene to be there, to happen.

Kingsman is similar in that fashion. Even with a couple plotholes, it’s an A-grade action movie… Then dat joke happens.

maxresdefault (1)Okay, some of you probably already guessed what I’m talking about so here’s a disclaimer: I don’t mind sex jokes or black comedy or anything potentially ‘offensive’. I’m a fan of South Park, you don’t get any more unpolitically uncorrect than that. And I’ve been fighting people trying to come down on creative freedom with the excuse of ‘sexism’ and ‘misoginy’ for six months, now. This isn’t about ‘offensiveness’ or ‘trigger warnings’. I’m a human being, not a loaded gun.

Follow me so far? Good. What instead I mind -no, what drives me CRAZY- is when things make no sense. When in pure Family Guy style the joke is used as a curveball, pure randomness. Here’s something important I learned over the years: even when it seems random? It’s never random. Unless it is. … Okay, I have to explain this better.

Screenshot43Let’s go back to Ghost Writer. In that movie the main character spends the whole movie trying his best to survive. Hiding his whereabouts, hiding what he knows, keeping in the shadows because he knows that the moment he does something out of line, he’ll be dead. In the end he manages to survive, because the person he believes to be the evil mastermind dies in front of his eyes.

Except in the finale he discovers otherwise, and more importantly, she doesn’t know he knows! He can reveal the truth, defeat the bad guys AND be alive! So, what does he do? Write a paper telling her he knows, make someone bring it to her while he’s TWO METERS AWAY and staring right at her. He steps outside the room while she makes a phonecall… BAM. Henchmen run him over with a car. Dead. Credits.

movies-kingsman-the-secret-service-02I wouldn’t have minded if the main character had shown before in the movie any inkling of being this stupidly suicidal, or just stupid. He didn’t. He was always methodical, attentive, intelligent. That scene had no reason or base to happen. It was just to give the movie a Shyamalan twist because SHOCK! It didn’t shock me. It left me fucking peeved at an incredible movie.

Kingsman and the princess are the same thing. Let me begin by saying that it is a great movie. Go watch it if you still haven’t. It’s worth your money, but fuck if that scene didn’t irritate me for the simple fact: there wasn’t a single sex joke in the entire movie and at the end they put one in with full close up of a particularly delicious ass because… We got to give fourteen years old something to wank off to when they go back home, I suppose.

The Secret Service KSS_JB_D01_00106.tifSeriously. The whole character of the princess has the only purpose of being there to throw herself at Egsy… And at the beginning, even with that setup, it was fine. ‘If I let you out can I have a kiss?’ ‘If you let me out, I’ll give you more than a kiss.’ Okay, that’s cool. That gave me a chuckle… Then it gets forced and crass. ‘Sorry, gotta save the world.’ ‘If you save the world, can we have anal sex?’ … Sorry, what? Did Seth MacFarlane suddenly get into the writing team?

A ‘Hurry up’ would have been perfect. A ‘Try to find some champagne’ would have been fine. But what does he saving the world or not have anything to do with anal sex? I may seem nitpicky here but the thing is: okay, you decided that the movie needed a sex joke when it didn’t have any other sex jokes whatsoever in it and still worked fine? AT LEAST WRITE ONE THAT MAKES FUCKING SENSE. But they didn’t bother, because of course, it was all a reason to show dat ass.

Kingsman-Hollywood-film-6-14There’s no other reason for that close up. The joke would have worked perfectly if Egsy just closed the door behind him. Mark Strong could have just boggled his eyes at his screens and closed them. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what he saw on there! But nope. We got to show you dat ass. Because reasons. Also, hey, this is the first hollywood movie for this Swedish actress. Better use her the best we can!

Jesus fuck, didn’t that irritate me. I already have to deal with oversensitive SJWs without idiots REALLY putting women in their movies for the sole reason of being sex jokes/sex objects. And to those saying ‘W-Well, she was the personification of the kidnapped vips!’. So you mean to tell me that if they needed to show a personification of kidnapped vips a prince instead of a princess wouldn’t have worked the same?

kingsman-secret-service-trailer-breakdown-19Still, as I said before, Kingsman is a greatly written movie. Don’t think for even a SECOND than that one joke ruins everything else. It’s still a must see, in my opinion. There are a couple plotholes and inconsinstencies -like the reason of Egsy entering the service was for him to become a new brand of Kingsman only to end up a carbon copy of his mentor- but it’s still great fun.

But sadly even in this box of sublime chocolate there’s a single turd. An incredible, heart-shaped, flawless turd, but a turd nonetheless. Just because a movie is otherwise great, it doesn’t mean it can’t get criticized for its flaws. Hell, it’s actually an even bigger reason to do so, to do better next time.

If you really want to show me dat ass, Vaughn, next time prepare me for it. Don’t make an entire movie stylish, intelligent and without showing an inch of skin only to suddenly trust a butt in my face at the end of the movie for no reason whatsoever except fanservice. You already got me to the end of the movie through writing alone. The hell do you need fanservice for?

About Meinos Kaen

Meinos Kaen is the secret author identity of one Simone Simeone, born and raised in Italy since anno domini 1988. You’ll never find a person with a harder accent to pin to a precise geographical location, be it Italian or English he’s speaking. God help us all if he ever manages to actually learn Japanese.
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